Second Layer

Today was father's day.I have a good father.We don't always see eye to eye but when I think about the fact that he has been there everyday of my life regardless of out differences I can't think of a better definition of a father.My biological dad donated the sperm that created me but my father gave himself, his time and his love to make me the person I am today.I may have alot of issues but the person I am beyond those issues is what my father had a hand in.I say my issues are from my bological father because I have not had a good record with relationships.I always wonder how can any man love me when the man whose blood flows through my veins couldn't.How could he not want someone that was part of him? I have three kids and sometimes they make me want to go on a one way trip but I could never leave them.They are my heart  and hurting them or causing them one moment of pain would be like me hurting myself.So how could this man live with himself knowing the pain this would surely cause in the long run.Kids are made to deal with alot of grown up things at such an early age.For as long as I can remember and since I started trying to find the pieces to my puzzle I have had and if the Lord ever bring it to pass I have one question that I would want him to answer.Was the thought of loving me so unbearable that the only other alternative was to cause harm to me and the woman you thought enough of to lay down with at the time.I would also thank him because if he could do those things I know I was better off being raised by a real man.I again know these are things I had no control over but when the earthly man who gave you life(not technically but you know what I mean) can't love you how can you let that guard down and expect to find love and companionship.This is just another one of my struggles.