Second Layer

Today was father's day.I have a good father.We don't always see eye to eye but when I think about the fact that he has been there everyday of my life regardless of out differences I can't think of a better definition of a father.My biological dad donated the sperm that created me but my father gave himself, his time and his love to make me the person I am today.I may have alot of issues but the person I am beyond those issues is what my father had a hand in.I say my issues are from my bological father because I have not had a good record with relationships.I always wonder how can any man love me when the man whose blood flows through my veins couldn't.How could he not want someone that was part of him? I have three kids and sometimes they make me want to go on a one way trip but I could never leave them.They are my heart  and hurting them or causing them one moment of pain would be like me hurting myself.So how could this man live with himself knowing the pain this would surely cause in the long run.Kids are made to deal with alot of grown up things at such an early age.For as long as I can remember and since I started trying to find the pieces to my puzzle I have had and if the Lord ever bring it to pass I have one question that I would want him to answer.Was the thought of loving me so unbearable that the only other alternative was to cause harm to me and the woman you thought enough of to lay down with at the time.I would also thank him because if he could do those things I know I was better off being raised by a real man.I again know these are things I had no control over but when the earthly man who gave you life(not technically but you know what I mean) can't love you how can you let that guard down and expect to find love and companionship.This is just another one of my struggles.

The Road Taken

I am new to this am not exactly sure as to what I am doing or why I am doing this.I am not good at grammar so if it is wrong look over it because that is not the point of this blog.I am doing this I guess as some sort of therapy.It is about regrets that I have in life and I know we all have them but there are just some that you carry with you like a second skin;at least I do.I am sure there are people out there that can relate to what I am talking about.I am going to use this blog to try and make some sense out of why those and maybe shed that second skin.
I am going to start by telling you about me.My life wasn't different from many of you.I have loving parents and a great family.Sometimes I look at them and when I should see happiness I see sadness.You see I was adopted and never new my birth mother because she died after giving birth to me and my biological father(well that is another story that will be told later in the blog).Sometimes when I look at my family I can see the resemblence between them but when I look at myself I wonder who I favor and I can't answer that.My sister look exactly like my mother and my brother who is my sisters twin looks like my father.I have a baby brother who favors them both.When you are adopted you start from scratch.You don't see resemblences until you have children.It is almost like you have to create yourself to see what other see.
That has long been one of my regrets that I don't have that pattern or history to pass down to my kids.I know it is not my fault but that doesn't help when you have always felt out of place,like there are pieces of the puzzle missing.I have tried to find those missing pieces but have been unsuccessful.I am blessed to have such a supportive family that has tried to help me in those efforts and try to understand how I feel.They look at me as their is no difference but deep down I know and that is the first layer of that second skin.